Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
