Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
