Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
