I didn't shave. On purpose
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
