The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
