before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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