I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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