I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
