Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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