Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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