When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
