Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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