I think I won the penis lottery.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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