Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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