The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
