clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
