i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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