So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
