i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
