i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
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I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
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