I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
