shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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