you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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