I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You made out with two different species that night
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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