So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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