I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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