I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
