Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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