how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
