Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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