rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You are the jesus of drinking
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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