we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
