I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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