at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
