the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
