I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
