why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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