I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
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Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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