Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
