I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
