I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
