he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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