There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
he was CRYING into my vagina
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.