Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
