I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
