So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
