literally had 100 drinks last night.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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