i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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