There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
you made out with another girl for some wings
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
