I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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