Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
