On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
