So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
