Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
