I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Randomize
