What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
