I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
