Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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