I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
